Essay : Fear

My homework. : D

I stared back at my son, as I lied on the white hospital bed. “Are you sure that was the right diagnosis?” I questioned, unable to accept what he just said.

He looked down and sighed, as he tried to find the right words.

“Yes, mum,” He replied, his eyes avoiding mine. “Dr. Lee said that you will need an operation. As soon as possible...”

I froze for a minute, as I tried composing my thoughts. All I remembered was having problems breathing, my chest tightening, and then total darkness. When I woke up, I found myself in a foreign place, my son and daughter-in-law beside my bed. And then, the bad news.

“Mum, are you alright?” My daughter-in-law said, as she reached out to touch my hands, breaking my chain of thoughts. Her eyes were red and swollen, and she must have been crying since the doctor told them my condition. “You'll be alright, I'm sure!” she said, giving me a little squeeze of encouragement.

What am I suffering from? I do not know. The medical terms were too profound for an old lady like me. Will I be alright? I do not know too. Do I want to live? Yes, I want to. But I am afraid.

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Night fell and the lights went out. I was still wide awake, unable to fall asleep. I thought of my childhood in the old village. I remembered the carefree days I used to led, and the great times I spent with my older siblings. Now they have passed on, and it will be my turn soon.

I thought of how I met my late husband, how we went against all odds and got married. I thought of how I overcame my husband's young death, and the tough process of nurturing my young infant into a promising youth and finally a successful adult single-handedly.

I thought of how fate had been cruel to me, all along. I had just retired after slogging my life for the past sixty-seven years and have not yet enjoy the fruits of my labour. And now, death came knocking and it is about time for me to go.

As fatigue set itself in, my eyelids became heavy and images of my loved ones began flashing in my mind. I could not bear to leave my son and my daughter-in-law behind. My only remaining wish before death is experience the joy of being a grandmother. And yet, I guess I can never experience it, ever.

As the clock ticked, second by second closing to dawn, the fear of death became overwhelming. But I did not want to sleep, as my operation is scheduled right in the morning. I toyed with the idea of calling off the operation. But that will mean certain death...

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As I lied on the cold white bed, I was slowly wheeled into the operating room. “I love you,” I whispered to my son and daughter-in-law, before parting with them at the door.

The red light on the operating room lighted up, as I fell asleep...